i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
