He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
