The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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