How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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