i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
