Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
