Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
