Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
