I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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