she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
