I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
