Someone shit on the floor
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
