you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
