I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize