And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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