Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the condom got lost in my hair
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
