Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
