Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
