just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize