When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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