So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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