i just wanna soil my oats bro
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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