I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
