when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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