Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
