what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
