Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
