he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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