I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
