yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
