She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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