I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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