my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
