genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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