Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
