Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
