This is not my ceiling
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Bring me that man meat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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