Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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