Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
