Well douche your snatch and let's go!
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
