"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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