I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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