btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
