Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
