I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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