Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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