Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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