I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
