I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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