i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
