Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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