You just made me feel so damn special
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
