idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
