dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
