Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
