apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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