I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
