This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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