I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
