I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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